Just Maybe

Tomorrow I celebrate 8395 days of live. Twenty three years may seem a little insignificant but it matters to me. But I’m not that greatly excited and I don’t know why.

Birthdays for my family means a nice celebration – with cake, hats, dinner, games, talking, but mainly it means togetherness. Always. It’s going to be just mum and me tomorrow, but when I get back home next week I’m still going to have a party. But I’m not hyped about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve suddenly got a cart load of tasks to complete before I leave. Maybe it’s because I found out that the person I had a crush on for three years told a close friend of mine that emotions were running haywire and he would like to pursue it because I’m leaving in three weeks. Maybe it’s because we’re moving into our house back home and I’m not going to be there to help Mum decorate it. Maybe it’s because I’m s*#% scared, within, of packing my bags and going off to a place I do not know, so far away from the cozy comfort of my home. Maybe…just maybe there’s still a part of me that wishes I didn’t have to leave.

It’s strange how emotions act.

I want to go, because I would love to go. But I don’t want to go, because I would love to stay. Makes any sense? Maybe. It’s the magnitude of consideration I would give these two madly conflicting feelings that would give me my answer. I know that because I will be going no matter what. That’s that. But I’m human, though just a speck on a blue-green planet lost in the fathoms of space, I’m human and I’m allowed by the laws of nature and mankind to have these conflicting thoughts and weave my way through them, battling/agreeing/consoling my heart and mind. It’s about what’s right for me. I can do that.

The matter of the person pouring his heart out to another friend during their weekly drinking binge is something I need not have known, but naturally boyfriends can’t shut up in front of their girls and girls talk. So my friend’s girlfriend hurriedly makes an international call just to tell me this sad tale and put my head in a larger muddle than it already is in. We were close at one point several years ago. And then he went off to college in a different city, and our parents kept in touch. He and I…we spoke very rarely. And last week he found out that I was leaving the country and suddenly there was rampant soul/heart searching and bam! Yesterday I find out. Honestly, in the mood I was yesterday I would’ve strangled someone just to get the frustration out *luckily the most favorable candidate, a madcap colleague of mine, had already left for the day when my aggravation vented* I stomped around, I cursed, I almost tore up my backpack, screamed at my monitor…I eventually went home in one piece, watched Criminal Minds and painted my nails black. Slept a dreamless sleep, I think, and woke up refreshed and ready to take to war. *I still almost got run over by my bus because I crossed the road too slowly while trying to indicate to the driver that he needed to stop* Now I’m staring at macros and wondering what I did. I’m okay. I believe I will be fine even though the ‘maybe’ is still resounding somewhere in the depths of my mind.