Empty

I feel empty. Hollow. Desolate. I seek an explanation but find none. I’ve spent the past forty eight hours drowning myself in the sound of Kamelot. Fully and wholly allowing the drums, riffs, and vocals to take me over. As long as I’ve the headphones plugged in, I’m fine. Then the uneasiness creeps in. I question myself…I got my eyebrows plucked the exact way I wanted it, spent an hour trying to read some old German comic strips, wracked my brain to begin to write something, went down the road of being unintentionally sarcastic and caustic, put on my favorite pair of jeans and a black Deutschland t-shirt, sang The Haunting, Karma, March of Mephisto, Until Kingdom Come, Memento Mori, Ghost Opera, Cadence of Her Last Breath, 7 Days to the Wolves, The Animal In Me, My Confession, Everything Burns, Foolin’, Only, Heaven’s A Lie, Psychotron, Countdown to Extinction, Senzafine, Cry For the Moon, Run To The Hills, Over The Hills and Far Away, Phantom of the Opera, Killing Me Softly, It’s Raining Men, La Vida Sin Amor, Ti Amero, and once again The Haunting, watched, The Breach, the latest episode of House M.D., and an episode of Criminal Minds, tried to write my diary, and stopped when I realized I couldn’t get any words out, and the pages are blank since 1^st September, 2008, went out to get ice cream from a favorite parlor fifteen minutes to 11 p.m., painted my nails blue, tried curling my hair, cut my finger nails, stared at the posters of Michael Ballack, Stephen Gerrard, an Adidas poster with several footballers, Kamelot, Roy Khan, my daily planner, the family photo, my stereo system, the surround speakers, my cell phone, my books, my bag, my laptop, my iPod and then into the dark.

I have arrived at the definitive conclusion that I have lost myself. Cannot figure out when…wonder…Mist!! *First German swear word I learned* I felt like crying a few minutes ago, imagined something to try and get the tears out but to no avail. I’m gonna dunk in some more vanilla chocolate chip ice cream. Can’t seem to cross that line. I’m making myself miserable. Stupid! Dang! I’m screwed. I’m still empty.