Apprehensions and Realizations

There’ve been quite a lot of talks I’ve had with my mum in recent times, mainly about how all our lives have changed in the past two years, and how difficult it is going to be adapt to it all. It’s got very little to do with physical transformations, including a small renovation of the house, the general atmosphere of the city (a place they haven’t seen for a year and a half now), and even physical dimensions of the body (I’m talking of the weight loses and gains ). It’s mainly the emotional and mental changes that have been happening, that have been growing quite alarmingly.

Intellectually everyone seems to be the same but it’s still different. There seems to be this external force acting upon everyone. Take my sister for example. She’s using her going away to Athens, Georgia for her undergraduate studies as an excuse to blow cash over the internet and then get touchy about it when some people tried pointing out that she wasn’t going to use half the things she’d ordered for and that she already had most of the things she’d ordered. Or my friend, who is dead set upon taking a job that she worked her ass off for, but has her fiancé (she got engaged today, as in her parents agreed to the alliance a few hours ago) now telling her that she shouldn’t go for work but stay home as the pretty little housewife/homemaker and churn four kids (two girls and two boys, apparently) to make a happy family. And then me. Sifting through confusion and with a hint of practicality deciding (along with every ounce of apprehension instilled by that inner voice which has always been right) on my plans for the next couple of years. Yeah, that consumed a lot of my time and energy as I focused on listening to the voice and talking to myself and other for hours together, resolving and clearing any doubt that seeped through, and put to ease my fears about doing what the voice said. I will admit that the decision taken isn’t completely in sync with what the voice said to me, but it is at least 50% there and the voice did add those subtle hints about the rest of my plans in the affirmative manner so what the hell? Might as well trust that little resounding tone.

So anyway, the external factors. It’s this invisible force which has settled and in all the people that I’ve observed it in, it seems like I’m the only one who’s realized it!! In me and in others. And since it has got to do with some people who don’t seem to be as sensible as they seemed to be when I first met them, I’d rather not talk about it. They’re the sort of people who will hang a simple thing that I happened to say in the passing over my head for the rest of my life trying to make me feel guilty about it. Problem is, I never regret things that are worth regretting and for silly cases like this, yeah, it’s pretty worthless and a bloody waste of time in my opinion. It scares me little bit (the me knowing and others not knowing), but as the realization hits, I’m over come with this one other feeling that I think I avoided through the past twelve months. That feeling of loneliness.

I’m not talking about the hermit type of loneliness, even though I find so much more solace in just sitting by myself and reading or writing and just doing my work my way at my own pace. It’s more of the knowledge that there are very few people in this world who understand me for exactly the person I am. These are the few people that I trust, and the only few who know me. Properly. I don’t have to say a word to these people and they know exactly what’s going on in my mind. Even on the phone they know it. It’s that unspoken type of bond. We all understand our limits very well and we keep to those boundaries. This ensures a clean and neat friendship if I can call it so. We never make promises to meet up every week or profess our undying love for each other and we sure as hell do not call up to reminisce or say ‘I miss you’. We just are ourselves. The main problem is, though to the naked eye we seem to fit in perfectly, sometimes even blend in with the crowd, it is only to those who pay attention to detail that realize the facts of the matter. We don’t fit in. Because we are different. And we really don’t make the effort to hide it. This I’ve said out loud to very few, and after having met with two others who fall into the same category just yesterday, I feel the truth of it more. And the best part about the whole thing is, there’ve been so many people that we’ve each been close to for a certain period of time and they’ve tried, and I do mean tried very hard, to change us, with all the talk about what others say behind our back and all the gossip and backstabbing. We’ve all retained our identity and not lost ourselves in the madness that surrounds us. The common sense and practicality kept us through it. As did the knowledge of there being someone in the same boat I suppose but to keep the boat afloat was our individual job. We kept our own boats from capsizing and in the face of a storm…well, we dealt with things our own way. As much as people say that they do the same thing ultimately they end up getting sentimental about it and it gets quite sickening because no one seems to be able to let go!! Anyway, this is an on going process so believe me when I say there’s more to come on that front.

Happy news comes in different forms and today’s highlight…the importance of this day, 3^rd July 2008, my grandpa was awarded his Ph.D. for Tamil Literature. Yup!! I attended his viva voce this afternoon and was duly impressed and inspired!! We had our own little celebration at home for this and it was so much fun calling him Dr. Mani !! We’re going on a three day visit to the Hampi ruins, starting tomorrow and come Monday it’ll be my first day of work. Looking forward to it, really!! With all the apprehensions that come with it, I really do believe things are going to go my way and everything’s going to work out just fine in this circle of life!! Cheers!!