The Last One

I try, always, never to regret any decision I have made, be it a silly simple insignificant little thing, or some larger life turning choice. It’s also true that I never think of the consequences of my actions before I have performed the action. I prefer the result to be unknown and whatever it turns out to be, I’ll deal with it at that moment…maybe brood about it for a bit till I find some way to get it out of my system, but I do get over it.

We had our farewell party two days ago and it wasn’t that sentimental ride like it was at school. It was that whole feeling of one phase of my life getting over. The initial studying phase. Now the time to make choices has befallen me and I’m quite alright with the fact that all the choices are good and I just need to pick one.

There was a general feeling of ‘one last time’ and it felt nice to be able to do so many things one last time. A few of them really didn’t go according to plan and maybe there was a part of me that went ‘thank God for that’ but there were also those few moments when I felt guilty. Why didn’t I partake in that ‘one last time’ moment? Opportunities might present themselves but once the spirit is dampened there’s really no question of anything happening after that. Confusing? Well, in the heat of the moment of ‘one last time’ there were certain instinctive thoughts and actions of mine…things that I never pictured myself doing. This instinctive adrenaline driven madness made me feel a little bit foolish if not insensitive. But as I thought about it, during a long lonely drive home that gave me some ‘ME’ time, I realized that it was all for the better. Yes, the instincts took me over for a few brief seconds but it was just something that happened in the passing. That’s it and I don’t feel ashamed by it. But as far as the larger picture is concerned whatever happened, everything I’ve done…well, they were all good when it happened (not as long as it lasted because it wasn’t something that needed to last).

The confusion gone, I had a certain amount of guilt to deal with. A little voice in my head that said that it could have ended in a better way. Then reason came through. It just wasn’t meant to happen that way. The memory will linger, in my head it will always be there. I won’t forget it. Besides, I really want to look back at it all with a sense of relief and maybe happiness. Relief that I did have the gall enough to face it, and happiness that I got through it fine. Regret – never. Guilt – I just needed to get it out of my system and writing about it helped. I feel rather satiated. I’m not particularly proud of myself for the way I dealt with things, but I am glad that there were no hard feelings…no feelings that fell into the equation at all. It worked out just fine for everyone involved. I just hope that no one turns back and says, ‘It never should’ve happened’. I know I won’t do it. Because whatever has been said and done the one thing that I’ll always think of are the friends I had/will have. Yeah, we’ll keep in touch and in our heads/hearts remain close but we’ll move on in our lives. Either way whether or not I see them again or talk to them again, I’ll never forget them. Besides I think I’m thankful of the number of people I’ve met and what I’ve learned by being with them. Finding another person who would possibly think like you is actually difficult and to know that there are like minded people is a fact to take pleasure in. LOVE YA ALL VERY MUCH !! and GOOD LUCK TO YA !!

My exams are barely a week away and I’m YET TO START STUDYING !! My books await…J I think I ought to see them off well…yeah…for ‘one last time’.