Losing Faith & Finding Uncertainty

Betrayal comes in many forms. All you ultimately end up dealing with, no matter how bad it hurts. But what gets you completely down and out, once the initial disbelief and shock has worn off, is the fact that betrayal is closer than you think. A little too close for comfort that it just rips out your entire confidence and puts you through this test for and of faith.

For once, I wasn’t the one to face it. But I got involved in it only because a few people that I am very close to, though in recent times lost a bit of contact with, were the ones in question. It isn’t the ‘I trust you blindly’ close, more of the ‘I know I can believe you’ close. The parties directly involved were closer than that. Words spoken, things taken and given, trust and friendship built up to the highest degree, advantages taken, secrets shared, all that happened and life was fine. Until the back stabbing began. Now the rest of us who knew the parties were aware that there was a problem, a little rift in the personal life of one of them. But we never suspected that it was more than one person involved because they both were confidants, best pals and all. This afternoon however I heard something from a third person with whom I was acquainted with who just so happens to live a street away from the concerned parties. First of all the impending threat of our project deadlines and seminars were loud in my head and I was rather wearisome with other thoughts in my head. So when this third person approached me on the street (literally the street because I was on my scooter going back to college after dropping off a friend) hailed me over to the side and in a matter of ten minutes told me the whole damn story I was perplexed. I couldn’t believe it though I knew it was true.I don’t recall even getting back to college, because my head was reeling with the information I had received. I tried reasoning. I tried to find some excuse that would make me disbelieve and once again find faith enough to respect the two people I thought I knew. Naturally, as happens with these matters, I was unsuccessful.

I have this technique of dealing with regret, disappointment, pain and the likes in solitude. Today I desperately needed the solitude. Luckily the moment I got back to college there was no one in the parking lot and I just sat there. I don’t know for how long. I stared into space and then at nothing. I felt this chilling sort of numbness as the truth dawned on me. I couldn’t digest it and suddenly I didn’t want to go back home. If I got home I was so sure that my grandmum figure out there was something wrong and then I would have to do the whole explanation thing. No real problem with that. I just didn’t trust myself not to cry if I did pour out the whole story. Thankfully, just as the whole thing was about to engulf me, a couple of my friends came along and then I actually forgot to be unhappy, save for the sudden elapses into silence on my part inclusive of my eyes burning because I sat in the sun for too long.

I laughed for quite some time this evening, once again coming to the throes of losing my voice because of the fun I ended up having. I welcomed the distraction – that did alleviate my spirits – though I knew I would have to deal with the issue eventually because, as I said before, I am close to one of those involved. I was just postponing it by not coming home as early as I had planned to. I needed the time away to think. As I got over the initial reaction to the news, I spent my ride home analyzing the situation, dissecting everything that had happened since the last of our ‘get togethers’. I remembered the frowns and faces. I remembered the silly remarks and the stupid jokes which I now realized were just masks for the actual truth. What I found more absurd was all the clues were right there and some of us had even discussed the issues but we never took it seriously – not that us being serious about it would have averted the present situation because that was bound to happen no matter what. I was so bloody involved in this that I didn’t pay attention to one of those ‘triangular public transport vehicles’ come too close to my left side. I was waiting at the signal light and there wasn’t any place to move either. So this guy very conveniently came into the right most lane from where he made a right turn and ended up running one of the rear wheels over my foot. It was as if my day was steadily getting worse !! But once again I welcomed the distraction though this was exceedingly painful.

I got home in one piece to be told that I had received about thirteen hysterical calls from four different people. Thankfully the news of my foot being run over seemed more important to my grandparents and aunt thus I was able to divert their attention from my distraught condition (and my friends’). So, getting to the point, I once told someone that you need to be careful about the people you get close to because they’re the ones who can hurt you the most. It happened to me a few years after I made the ‘wise’ statement. I learned my lesson but I escaped from the scalding. But what’s happened now…it’s spread. Someone else also got burnt this time. I couldn’t even console her. I didn’t even try. It wasn’t my place to. My only wish is that before it blows way out of proportion we be given a chance to contain it. Enough people have been hurt already – some were in the front line, I was just singed because I delayed my return home. I avoided the major part of the situation when the accusations were thrown around. A bit of a cowardly act I know, but I didn’t think it was right to get involved knowing barely a quarter of the story. I need to know the whole thing. In grave detail. Someone needs to be able to retain sanity and that task has now befallen me and three other friends. God only knows how we’re going to handle it, because a full reconciliation is out of the picture, that I have been assured of. I’m just hoping now that the foolishness prevailing escapes and in its place the heart and sense of good people comes in. At least to explain this long drawn out battle even if not to settle it, for that would need to be the act of the two parties directly involved. I’m just so happy that the friends I have around me right now are the ones that I can trust implicitly. We still probably have a long way to go but so far so good. I found just the perfect song for today, though – Everything Burns by Anastacia feat. Ben Moody. Listen to the words if you can, matched my mood brilliantly.

Just to conclude on less depressing grounds, the FA Cup 5th round ties… Ah, what a match it was to watch !! Frank Lampard scoring his 100th goal !! Brilliant !! Chelsea winning But then Arsenal lost to Manchester United and Liverpool bowed out with pretty much no fight !! I’m just hoping for a repeat of last year’s FA Cup final though I also managed to shake off the Sunday afternoon yawns by watching ‘The Godfather’ yet another time (this one four years after I watched it for the third time). Marlon Brando is just convincingly splendid and Al Pacino is classic. Simple and so absolutely intense. Now I want to read the book, yes, AGAIN!! Ok the bout of wanting solitude is coming to me now, so I think I’m going to watch Sweeney Todd just to revive myself.