Nothing Comes Easily

The emotions running in my head and heart right now are frightening me a lot. I don’t know why I’m feeling them. Because I haven’t seen my parents in a long time? Because my grandparents left to visit my aunt just two days back? Because my uncle (Mama) and aunt (the one’s I’m living with) are doing everything to make me feel happy, loved and safe? Damn. My throat hurts, I can’t speak, and my eyes are blurring up right now.
I am not writing part of my novel here, it’s what I’m facing at this very moment in my life.

I have been thinking a lot about Ariel and Steven, the protagonists of my story. Both their versions of life. The pain that both of them cause to each other and the guilt they feel afterward. And this I’ve been thinking about only after those feelings I stated earlier have taken control of me.
I’m finding it difficult to study, to concentrate on anything only because that feeling of total helplessness in identifying what I’m going through right now.
I don’t have any ‘boy’ trouble that people my age are supposedly said to have. I just had a crush and that’s over with now…I don’t have any family problems, I don’t have any social troubles, so WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??
I’ve been writing all this sad stuff…I keep thinking of that line I wrote a long time ago, “I had your blood on my hands.” And the one that Ariel says to Steven when he visits her at the hospital after she snaps out of coma and is finding it horribly painful to sit up straight or do anything without anyone’s help. “I hate being so helpless. I feel useless and hopeless.”
Why? Why? Why?

I’m in such a state in my life where I have everything I need. I have a job even before I’ve completed my studies, I have an interview with Google in a few months time, I have the most wonderful family and I’m growing so attached to being in this homely atmosphere, I am having the time of my life in college being finally able to put my writing skills to better use, and I have some of the bestest friends a girl could ever hope for.

I think I’m going to cry now. I need to get over this anyhow. I need to figure out what’s happening to me. I’ve never felt like this before in my twenty years of living. Never. So why now? What’s happened to make all these thoughts run through my head?

Stay tuned.